Part 1 here.
Versione in italiano qui.
(Before someone gets steamed up, this series of post, as I hope you’ve already understood, is highly ironic and humorous and it refers to the feminine and masculine stereotypes which are worst in my opinion. Everything is highly stereotyped. I have dear cisgender friends, and the fact that I’m a genderqueer rarely complicates things; sometime we maybe have no idea of what the other is talking about but hey, this happens to all the categories of people. Shit, I’ve even had cisgender partners, and we’ve had very positive relationships. Shit, also cisgender people don’t necessarily fit into the traditional binary genders. So don’t worry, I don’t hate you.)
In the binary World Where Everything Is Easy, it is expected that men and women communicate in completely different ways. And this, if you really want to know my opinion, doesn’t look easy at all to me. I mean, every one of you has approximately 50% of the population for which you’d need a manual to interpret its language: this could’ve really gone better.
Women are cryptic. They say no when they mean yes and yes when they mean no. They send various non-verbal signals of doubtful interpretation, especially if they want to communicate their discomfort. They chat a lot about both trivial things and personal issues, throwing themselves into extremely complicated and elaborate conversations, especially with their girl friends. Women communicate also with their physical aspect. A while ago I had to listen to one explaining me how female humans change their haircut and colour of hair according to their state of mind and to their identity. If a woman changes often the colour of her hair, she’s going through a phase of crisis and uncertainty. What the fuck. How stressful. What if one were studying to become a hairdresser? What if she were only experimenting? If I see someone changing the colour of her hair the first thing I think is that she simply felt like it.
Men instead are primitive creatures who understand fucking nothing, and especially they don’t understand the women’s language. They aren’t able to take in any kind of non-verbal signal. When in a situation of conflict the male asks “What’s wrong?” and the female answers “Nothing.”, the male understands “nothing”. The man hardly bears all the rambling of the woman about matters for her extremely important; actually, the man generally abhors speaking about personal issues, so much that one might want to ask if he has an interior life at all or not. The man doesn’t communicate with his physical aspect. The men often simply don’t communicate at all, they’re big apes with emotions reduced to the bare minimum.
It’s normal for men and women to speak ill of the other sex: women complain about how men are idiotic, insensitive and incomprehensible; men complain about how women are incomprehensible and discuss more or less legal strategies with their friends about how to fuck them.
And naturally, this heavily defective communication is one of the main reasons of conflict between the man and the woman, one of the load-bearing foundation of the war of sexes, which in a strictly binary world is basically unavoidable.
Usually the binary world, even though to my mind kind of dismal, holds together quite well; usually all the parts fit together. This instead is one of those cases in which the World Where Everything Is Easy becomes also the World Where Everything Sucks. It’s true that communication inserted in well defined tracks, with different rules for each of the two sexes, provides a handy simplification: you don’t need to struggle. For what concerns people of your own sex you already know how you have to behave, and for the others establishing a proper connection has already been defined impossible, so there’s no reason to put much effort into it, to try to change tactic, to try to understand the other. You can’t understand each other, end of story. It might well be easy, but the result is fucked up. I wonder how you can, you all stuffy binary people, establish relationships with people of the opposite sex. To me it looks like a disaster.
And even if I’m clearly being ironical, on a more serious note I see lots of heterosexual relationships start badly and end worse because none of the two communicates openly with the other. They just stand there overthinking it some million times, trying to interpret behaviours and hints, often seeing things through a binary lens which prevents them from grasping the true meaning, evident moreover, of what the other is saying. If the woman expresses an opinion, probably it’s because she truly thinks that way. If the man shows signs of affection or opens up maybe it’s not by chance of because he wants to snatch the woman up: he really feels attachment and wants to confide in her. I’ve seen men refusing attempts to dialogue by women because what a drag that’s women stuff and anyway I don’t give a shit about it, and women refusing attempts to dialogue by men because what a drag they shouldn’t have so many problems, there now they’re becoming worse than women.
Why can’t you just talk to each other? Communication looks to me like maybe the most fundamental thing in all relationships, even more if they are significant relationships, maybe love relationships. When I have to say something to my partner, positive or negative or neutral, I say it. Be it important questions, trivialities, the fact that I’m in an uncomfortable position during sex or to ask xim if I’m performing oral sex the right way. And xe (… like Xenon 😉 ), magical, xe answers. Sure, also non-verbal communication is very important, and it’s good to be able to understand each other simply with a facial expression, an attitude, a knowing look, but it’s not always so immediate, and such a level of comprehension it’s one of those things which usually come later, when you know each other well. And in any case, if you’re not sure, for me the best thing to do is running your mouth (maybe kindly, yeah, if possible).
No, about this I have to say I really don’t envy you, even when I find myself in those situations where I’m supposed to get immediately some dynamics while I understand nothing instead, or when in presence of people only of my sex, I’m supposed to be able to conform to their language and behaviour and I always end up looking like a moron. The fascination I feel for this aspect of the strictly binary gender is very similar to the attraction for a spectacular and impressive car crash, with explosions and car parts flying in all directions; one of those things you cannot stop looking at and that make you feel hypnotized and also slightly amused even though you’re conscious that you’re observing something catastrophic.
No, thanks a lot, you can very well keep your non-communication for yourself.