I translated my book


Warning: this is an epic. If you could care less about my own thoughts about my book, and you just want to know what it is all about, just skip everything and read the last three paragraphs.

Here the first post dedicated to the publication of the original version of the book in Italian.

Versione italiana qui.


I’m happy I’ve finished. You really couldn’t bear it any more. I, at least, surely couldn’t bear it any more. Satisfied? Not that much. More than anything else I’m happy of having got to the end of this ordeal. I can tell you, there’s nothing better than reading your own book six times in total to come to hate it with every fibre of your being.
I know I should convince you to go and buy it and read it. I should at least try. It’d surely be in my interest. But… well, I’ve just decided to be honest about it, also because I don’t think I could sound convincing if I tried otherwise.

I hate this book. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I could speak for hours about all the things that are wrong with it. I know, I’m not the right person to give a judgement about it. I’m the writer, I could overrate it as well as be hypercritical; I cannot possibly be objective. You know who could be objective about it, or anyway surely more objective than me? You. So go and buy it and read it! So then you can give me your opinion.
It’s not working, isn’t it?
Yeah, as I thought. So what was I saying? Ah, that I hate it. Yes I do. I see all its defects nicely displayed in front of me, but there’s no way I’m going back now to rectify them, unless you want me to throw everything out of the window, myself included. I’ll do better in the next books. I’ve definitely had a lot of fun writing it, at any rate, which I think it’s what matters, even if it doesn’t take anything away from my pure and bright hate. You know the creative process phases?

cj4pnu9wuaawmjuI’ve lately being oscillating between “this is shit” and “I am shit”. With an inclination for “I am shit” Oh well.

To make it look more appealing I’ve also realized a new cover, the one up there. The previous one was horrendous, let’s be honest, I couldn’t have made it cheesier if I tried. So, new cover. Readers always say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but actually, who doesn’t? Who hasn’t ever bought a book just because it looked extremely nice? No one, that’s who. And regarding that, I’m going to tell you a little anecdote.

I think I’m more satisfied for the cover than for all the rest

When I was an alien teen, there was this book which was very popular among the human teens, it was called Three metres above the sky. I didn’t feel a particular attraction for it, it looked pretty stupid and moreover it really wasn’t my genre (romantic teenage novel). So I just snubbed it. Then one day I saw it on a shelf. It looked like a candy. It looked so incredibly tasty, and it felt so too. The cover had a nice picture on it, and it was in light blue, grey and white tones, very nicely combined together. The letters on the front and back cover were slightly raised so that I could feel them under my fingers. The pages were thick, crisp and slightly rough, and the smell! Oh my god the smell of those pages, I can still remember it. They smelled… I cannot describe exactly how they smelled. But it was (and remains) one of the best page smells I’d ever encountered. The look, the smell, the feeling, everything seemed amazing in that candy-book. What can I say, I have a fetishism for books.
Why the hell do I always end up speaking about sex?
So, this book. I ended up taking it. It was crap. As much as the physical book was one of the best I’d ever seen, the content was one of the crappiest pile of crap I’d ever read. I think I took like almost two months to finish it, and we’re speaking about a medium length book, not like mine which is 223 Word pages. Shit, if at least I had kept it short. It’s my first work, and I’ve always known it wouldn’t probably turn out a masterpiece, so it would’ve definitely made sense to not write an epic. But no, it figures, I cannot keep anything short when I’m writing, words just flow out of me and they have a mind of their own.
In conclusion, Three metres above the sky was disgusting, badly written, often grammatically incorrect, boring and silly. But it looked good. Appearances matter, and that’s why I’ve changed the cover.

Also, Three metres above the sky is one of the books I like to think of when I feel particularly desperate about my work. Another favourite is Fifty Shades of Grey, which I haven’t finished yet. I mean, I haven’t finished the first book of the trilogy yet. I feel almost an obligation to at least know what the fuck it’s about, given that I’m a kinkster myself and that that trilogy seems to be regarded by many people as a true representation of what BDSM is (breaking news: it isn’t). But it’s hard work to go on with it. At least it’s witty, I have to give it that, Three metres above the sky wasn’t even so. Still, I find it quite terrible. My book is definitely better. Not that it takes much to be honest, but it’s comforting. Yes I know, it’s petty to elevate one’s own work by comparison with worse ones. Well, I’m not perfect, all right?

If this book could become famous, also mine can

So. What am I trying to achieve with this blog post that I should use to promote my book but where I’m talking about my book very little? I guess I’m just trying to get some attention. Please give me some attention. I know that my book is mediocre to be kind, but I’ve really put my soul and work and energy in it, so I’d really like it to be read by a handful of people. What do I have to do? Should I dress myself up in feathers, silver bells and glitter and do the rain dance? I can do that. Or I can dance the can-can, if you prefer. I’m very resistant to ridiculous. I’m ridiculous-proof.

I know, I know

Ah. Whatever. I’ve also modified it at the last, because the book contained some references to songs, obviously quoting the author, but this could have nevertheless resulted in an accusation of copyright infringement. If I used the lyrics without asking for a permission, I’d risk to get sued afterwards. If I asked for a permission, they’d surely ask me to pay a fee, which probably I wouldn’t be able to afford right now or which would be extremely stupid to pay considered that I’m not even sure this book is going to sell one copy to begin with.
As a result, I decided to keep only those references to songs which I think shouldn’t be a problem, either because they aren’t covered by copyright either because I’ve used an extremely little amount of the lyrics (as far as I’ve read, if one uses 10 word or less it should be fine). Incidentally, I believe that these sorts of restrictions are ridiculous and actually hinder creativity – art has always taken inspiration from other art, also and not only explicitly referring to it as I’d have done in my book – so I’m going to fight against them when I’ll be rich and powerful that is never.

The book in question, The closet, which I haven’t basically talked about until now, is mostly a horror/psychological book. It revolves around a family, the “perfect family”, celebration of what’s normal and “right”, which gets suddenly shaken at its basis by the unexplainable presence of some creatures. Creatures which look more like they could come from the imagination of the family members rather than from actual reality.
It contains violence and explicit sex, just so you know, so if you’re particularly sensitive to such things it’s not for you.

I suck at writing summaries as much as I suck at singing my book’s praises.

Oh, I also translated it by myself. I’m not an English mother tongue. I’ve never formally studied English except than in high school; I’ve just studied it by myself later. I don’t live in an English speaking country. So I apologize for the more than imperfect English you’ll find in my book. I apologize for all the times I haven’t used the subjunctive when I should have. I apologize for all the times I’ve written “parent’s” instead of “parents’” and haven’t noticed. I apologize for misused expressions. I apologize for made up expressions. I apologize for all the expressions I don’t know. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice. I just hope it doesn’t sound too awkward.

I’m so sorry

One last thing. I decided to establish a very low price, both in order to promote it and both because I don’t have the heart of making it pay much more than this. I think I’ll keep the price this low for like a couple of months, and then I’ll raise it, but not much at any rate. It’s $ 9.5 for the paper version, and $ 1.89 for the eBook version, which I suppose will be the favourite, as I don’t think anyone will buy the paper version. It’s a little less than the average price of an espresso in London (I checked), less than one in New York, and less than the average price of one across Scandinavia. Generally, I think it’s less than the average price of an espresso anywhere outside of Italy. That wonderful type of coffee that non-Italian people just cannot make right. Seriously people, how can you drink it? So, for one day, instead than drinking an incredibly shitty coffee you could buy a rather shitty book and start reading it. Just for one day. What do you say?

eBook: http://www.lulu.com/shop/stardust-a-lost-alien/the-closet/ebook/product-23075260.html

Paper version: http://www.lulu.com/shop/stardust-a-lost-alien/the-closet/paperback/product-23075271.html

P.S. Should you notice typos, blank spaces, missing descriptions, any kind of errors, feel free to contact me. You’re doing me a favour.


3 thoughts on “I translated my book

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