My pick-up art

Italian translation here.

So. Pick-up art, uh? Or PUA. It looks like there are a lot of people buying into this stuff. I mean, there are articles being written about it. Just google it. There are confessions from pick-up artists:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/the-filter/confessions-of-a-serial-pick-up-artist/

There are male humans who tried to figure out the best way to speak with a female human who’s wearing headphones:

https://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2016/aug/30/how-to-actually-talk-to-a-woman-wearing-headphones

I mean. I would have thought that people try to get in contact with people they like in, uhm, you know, normal ways (I know that “normal” said by me sounds weird). Showing the best of you, being kind, trying to find right ways and situations to approach them, being yourself. But no, humans need an instructions booklet even to mate. Great.

But, ah ah, I have my pick-up art too, what were you thinking? I’m a cool alien, very well integrated in society, and up with the times. So here are the steps you have to take to be as seductive and sexually successful as I am. I always follow them thoroughly and I am an excellent play-boy. … Play-girl. … errr, play …thing. Whatever.


  1. Individuate one that you like

    This is going to be very easy, because you like basically no one. Actually, you have developed such an ability to locate the few ones you like that you’re going to smell them at a range of two kilometres.

    squirrel!

    (from “Up”, 2009)


  2. Observation

    Observe your potential partner. This phase can last quite long. Just look at them in all the situations you manage to be in their presence, trying to figure out who they are, what they are, how you might get in contact with them, drooling over them. Don’t get caught looking at them! It’s impolite to stare at people. All right, you’re going to get caught anyway. But just try, ok? When they’re starting to look back at you, fix your eyes on something else, or pretend to be very intent on your phone. And do your best to not look like a misfit, as usual. Or a creep. Or some sort of malignant elf.

    cats

    (from Lady and the Tramp, 1955)


  3. Get a contact

    After you got caught looking at them and after you acted very awkwardly in the few occasions you managed to speak to them, or better in the few occasions they have decided to come and speak to you moved possibly by pity, it’s time to ask for a contact. Smile nervously (and creepily) and go for it. Facebook contact is the best: you have the excuse you just want to add them to your friends’ list, so that they might not suspect yet that you want to propose them to have a date. If this phase succeeds, go to step 4.

    cheshirecat
    Smile creepily and go ahead.

    (from “Alice in Wonderland”, 2010)


  4. Ask for a date

    Show off your writing abilities writing a long message in an excellent and witty language, just to say “do you wanna go out with me?”. If this phase succeeds, go to step 5.

    longmessage
    Ok maybe this was a tad too long.

    (from “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone”, 2001)


  5. Go on a date

    All right! So you managed to obtain a date, congratulations. Shower. Dress as you feel comfortable and attractive. Arrive at the right time. Once you’re with them just show your best and be yourself! No, no no no no wait, not too much yourself. Just leave all the batshit crazy weirdness for later, ok? Just for this night, pretty please. Talk about: books, music, films, things you like to do, science, art, politics, the weather. Talk just a little about: horror, scientific experiments gone terribly wrong, bad things happened in history, aliens, mysteries. Absolutely DO NOT TALK ABOUT: monsters, mutations, creepy babies, nightmares, violence, gore, gruesome things, non-usual sex, and especially, very carefully, above all, Chernobyl. By all means, don’t talk about Chernobyl. Don’t mention it. Her. Whatever. Just don’t. NO.CHERNOBYL.
    0doctor(from Doctor Who – The Lodger (11th episode, 5th series), 2010)


  6. Speak about Chernobyl
    I TOLD YOU NOT TO!
    chernobyl


  7. Get in bed

    If you haven’t scared them off yet, this date could be considered quite a success. But if things are going really well, and if there’s a good alchemy between you two, you might actually end up in bed with this person. Be always polite and kind, and this is really the moment to stop talking about Chernobyl. Instead, clarify what you want to do. Check if they want to have sex and say very clearly if you’re interested just in a sexual relationship or if you think it might get to something more, so there are no misunderstandings. Once I got the following answer: «You are very straightforward.» and a puzzled look. But then we had sex, so I guess it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

    puzzled
    You are very straightforward.

  8. Have sex

    Fantastic! Great, you’re awesome! Hadn’t I told you that it works? Now, stick to the normal, usual, vanilla sex. No kink yet. Not the first time. Remember that you have already spoken about Chernobyl, it’s enough weirdness for a first date. You don’t know if the person you’re having sex with is a kinkster or not, you don’t even know if they know what it is (even if, if you have observed them well enough in the early stages, you might already have an idea). Leave any fetish and BDSM aside. And at any rate, a first time having sex with someone is never a good time to ask «Fancy some rape-play?»

    turnersmiling
    Brock Turner. If you don’t know who he is, you should google it.

    No. Don’t. If you and this person fit very well together and want to meet again, and make sex again, then wait for the third time or something like that. And it’s anyway not a good idea to start with «Fancy some rape-play?» Nope. Just get to the subject on a more roundabout route. Like «Do you happen to be a kinkster, by the way?»


  9. Afterglow

    It’s a good time to be sweet and cuddly. It’s also a good time to have some more dizzy conversation, and to compliment each other physically. You’ve probably already done it during sex, but this is one of the best moments. Again, no weirdness. «you’re beautiful/handsome», «you have beautiful eyes», «I like the colour of your hair», «you’re so good at sex», «I love your bum», that all can do. But things like «I like you because you look like an alien» or «Oh, you’re such a lovely monster!» or «I think your bones are very sexy» go into the “for later” list. Really. Please.

    bones
    Don’t you wanna come with me? Don’t you wanna feel my bones?…

    (from “Bones”, by The Killers; music video by Tim Burton)

     


  10. Going home

    Probably at this point the date is almost over. You might sleep together, depending on the circumstances, and go away in the morning, or you might just go home now. At any rate, either if you’re going to sleep with them or if you’re leaving away right away, chances are good you won’t have much time and energy to be too much of a weirdo again. Thank goodness. And if you had a very good time together, you might also see each other again!

    owl love bite

 

 

 

 

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